Goodbye Parenting Guilt

I am a mother to 3 amazing, intelligent, happy, successful children. I definitely would have added additional description at other times in our lives–energetic, spirited, loud, wild and a little crazy at times. It is hard to be a parent without an abundance of energy, and that’s where chronic illness can kick you in the butt.

My children are in their twenties now, but it doesn’t seem like long ago that I was trying to keep up with them, and, to be honest, I wasn’t always successful–being a mom is a tough job. I did have my children at a young age because I had been diabetic for many years and was concerned about the medical risks of pregnancy and childbirth. Once we had our first little boy, my husband and I decided to just keep going. A year and a half later, we had our second son, and by the time my oldest was 4 and 1/2, we had our third baby, a sweet girl. At that point, my doctor advised me not to have anymore children, so our family was complete.

My husband and I learned one of parenting’s most valuable lessons the hard way: Don’t make promises about daily activities when you really don’t know what each day will throw at you. This rule of thumb tends to be a lifesaver when dealing with autoimmune disease. Until our children went to school, I was a stay at home mom and my husband worked hard to support our young family. We committed to a lot of weekend family escapes so all 5 of us could spend quality time together. We would build up our outings, whether they involved hiking, bike riding, or swimming, so everyone would be super-excited by the time the weekend rolled around. However, sometimes the end of the week brought about medical obstacles that stood in the way of our fun days. Often times, I’d push through it so I wouldn’t let them down, but there were times when I couldn’t, and our little ones would be so disappointed. Trust me. The parenting guilt was consuming.

One time we had promised a trip to a new playground. Saturday rolled around, and we had some setbacks due to my blood sugar levels and my husband’s overtime hours. We had delayed the kids a few times as we recovered on the sofa, but it wasn’t going over well. There were tears and incredibly sad little faces. We had built up our adventure way too much. Our oldest decided he should take charge and approached us with an announcement.

“I have a great idea!” he shouted. “We can go to the park now; we’ll just bring the couch!”

While we shared a good laugh, from that moment forward we knew we had to avoid talking about the details of upcoming plans ahead of time. Our children were used to knowing and looking forward to a new experience, but we were still able to establish a new normal. For several weeks, when they asked about our family time we responded with “we’ll see” and “we’re not sure yet,” avoiding promises at all costs. Eventually they stopped asking, yet all three were still just as enthusiastic during our adventures–just not before them. Our new practice enabled us to make last minute changes that they never realized happened. We were finally able to say goodbye to parenting guilt in health-related situations where we couldn’t change the circumstances anyway.

Once you have a guilt-eliminating plan, one of the most important parenting hacks to remember daily is that your tone sets the pace for the day. If you’re feeling ready to conquer the world, your children will see that and be as lively as they need to be for a trip to an amusement park or a family 5K. In contrast, if your medical condition is getting the best of you, that’s okay too. Kids will pick up on those feelings and match them. It then might be more of a reading-by-a-virtual-campfire-in-a-couch-cushion-fort kind of a day. If you’re feeling absolutely horrible, your children will love the attention of a cuddle session/movie afternoon as well. The little ones will adapt and love whatever relaxing activity you can handle just as much as they would enjoy a trip to the park or a day at the zoo. Children’s ability to match their parents’ tone and energy level happens naturally. As the parent, use this as an advantage to be able to take care of yourself and still create quality time with your children.

One of my most difficult mom experiences came during the months leading up to my celiac disease diagnosis. As a stay-at-home mom, I was as active as possible with playgroups, free children’s activities in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor, Mommy and Me mornings at The Baltimore Museum of Art, and our beloved family zoo membership. That all came to a halt when I started suffering with a lot of stomach issues. With celiac disease, when a person eats gluten, the immune system turns on the body to attack the small intestine, damaging the villi and making the body unable to absorb nutrients. The pain, weakness, and unhealthy weight loss left me lying on the couch, too weak to stand up and take care of my children the way we were all used to.

I felt as horrible mentally about my inability to be a “good” mom as I did physically as this disease ravaged my body. One fact that still stands out to me though is that my children never complained about what I perceived they were missing. They never cried because we weren’t doing all their most-loved activities. They still just enjoyed being with me as much as they could. I can remember them coming to me with action figures, dolls, and matchbox cars.

“Mommy, we’ll bring the toys to you,” they’d say lovingly, “so you can still play with us. We don’t want to leave you out.”

Looking back, I believe they had just as much fun as they did prior to that period of life. They made me food from their play kitchen and took over the book reading responsibilities even though they really couldn’t read. I was hard on myself because I couldn’t live up to my self-imposed good mothering standards. I wasn’t doing what I thought I needed to so that they could learn and be enriched in their daily lives. What I realize now is that it didn’t matter how I was parenting at that specific time. What mattered is the time we spent together and the love that we had built as a family. The love was the constant that would never change and would continue to make our family strong.

As kids grow into teens and young adults, the family situation evolves, yet they remain able to adapt to various situations and trials. Though the previous guidelines still apply in many circumstances, children’s desire for socialization sometimes overtakes their expectation for family time. Their schedules fill quickly and the problem becomes your need, as a parent, to pencil yourself into their calendars to still enjoy necessary quality togetherness.

You don’t, however, have to move back to square one. With age comes maturity and the ability to understand and accept the realities of life. By middle school, my children easily understood when I wasn’t feeling well, and “I won’t be able to go today,” was met with tremendous understanding and respect. They had learned, through life’s many lessons that it would be okay, and tomorrow is always a new day.

Most importantly, remember that kids still need their parents as they get older, even when they’re not willing to admit it. Be sure to continue to make time where you can fit it in, and if the plan fails for a specific event, reschedule and pick another date immediately. The closeness this brings later in life through the trust you’ll build will always fill your heart.

Combining the responsibilities of parenthood with the obstacles of autoimmune disease and other chronic illnesses is a challenge. However, this challenge should never be an issue that leads to guilt. Keeping your personal situation in mind while making family decisions leads to a better life for everyone.